life and death...

so it's pretty sad that i chose my first topic to be something so morbid. but i can't help it, it's is part of my job. part of who i am. i knew when i chose to become a nurse that dealing with death was inevitable. i thought, i can handle this...and then i took a job in oncology. throughout nursing school, i swore that i would never in a million years work in oncology but here i am, absolutely loving what i do despite all the obstacles.
i know that as nurses we are supposed to treat all patients equally but the reality is that we all do have our favorites! who knows how we get them, we just do... and then there are those patients for whatever reason will stick with you forever. i've heard stories of patients who say nurses have had a major impact on their life. well, can i say that there are many, many patients who have done this to me. whether it's the elderly man that always has a dirty joke to share or the young man who is my age that is always trying to see the positive when all there seem to be are negatives or the woman who is facing her fourth round of chemo because the cancer is back yet again but has the philosophy that 'i've done it before, i can do it again.' for whatever reason they creep in there. they pop into your head when you least expect it. many times the thought brings a smile to my face others a tear to my eye.
i haven't had a really 'down' day in quite a while. but today was one of them. one of my favorites passed away not too long ago and his wife stopped in to see us today. it was SO hard. i have tears in my eyes just thinking of it. he had such a fun personality and such sparkling blue eyes. blue eyes...what she called him. the immense thank yous and hugs she was giving were overwhelming and tearfilled. i don't think there was a dry eye in the office.
it's amazing the way i get to interact with my patients and their families. yes, the interactions aren't always positive and happy but to be able to get to know someone on such a personal level is a privelage. the friendships and bonds that are formed, the tears and the laughter that is shared, the support for one another that is given. it's simply amazing. i have no other words to describe it. i am so proud to be a nurse. to do what i do. to help people.
sometimes when i think of a patient who has passed away...i like to think that they are still with me. some how, some way they are there. a guardian angel watching over me or just them smiling down from above or none of the above....just that piece of themselves they left with me somewhere along the way....